Just One Thing


You.You.You. Oughta Kno-ow…Pirates.
May 29, 2010, -07:30pmSat, 29 May 2010 13:12:45 -0730310129pm31-07:30
Filed under: Uncategorized

I would like to travel back in time, to the days before before the original and less-annoying Tea Party, into the days of mercantilism. I would stow away on a pirate ship. I would carry with me, through the obligatory time-space continuum vortex, choice items from Hot Topic, and perhaps some Avril Lavigne on a small, inexpensive MP3 player. I would seek out and confront the head pirate and the parrot on his shoulder with what’s become of their beloved Jolly Roger. Rainbow skull and crossbones, festooned with bright pink hearts. I would describe wristbands and Vans Warped Tour to this man. Oh the shame.

And before the swarthy dogs, who would surely gather round at the sight of a woman, branded me as a witch and sent me back, via plankwalk, to the hell from whence I came, I would update these men on how their legacy has carried through to the modern day. Johnny Depp, Keith Richards, eyeliner, Disney. Kidnappings, ransoms, a really good scene in a Wes Anderson movie. An International Talk Like a Pirate Day, slutty Halloween costumes and the like. And a general reference for people who plunder invisible things from invisible machine ships.

Yes, pirates of yore, your outlaw, scurvy-ridden life of poor, sea-faring man’s justice has become a well-known cultural phenomena, but I’m sure vampires, zombies and the 80s can help you deal with it.


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